update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
