a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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