so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
