six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
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I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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