they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dicks are not precious.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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