did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
