meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
