k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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