I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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