but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
