There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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