All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
