I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
