Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
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Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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