Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Only a mothe r could love this liver
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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