pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
