I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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