I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
