i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
