its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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