I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights