weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk