Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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