Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
