At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
as a side note pls kill me
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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