apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
