please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
