I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think my fart just growled at me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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