I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
