I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
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Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
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Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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