So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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