I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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