hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
