Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just threw up on my dentist
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you will always have a special place in my vag
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
