i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
