if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she peed on how many people?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
