yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
