I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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