I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
