I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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