Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
