He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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