This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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