You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
