She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
