woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
