There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
