I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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