She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
