She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
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