His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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