I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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