i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh god it's open bar.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
