You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
