Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
