college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
