someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
