hotel room ftw
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
